Why Grandparents Are VIPs

"Grandparents can do more for us than anyone else in the world; they sprinkle stardust in our eyes."

Alex Haley

I run "Grandparent Connection" workshops with grandparents and families across the country (much of the information in this section is from those workshops and my grandparenting book How to Build the Grandma Connection). Every grandparent leaves my workshop with a VIP button -- because that's what I believe they are. Anthropologist Margaret Mead once even stated that connections between the generations are "essential for the mental health and stability of a nation."

Today, grandparents are increasingly even more important, as was discussed in the last section. For example, in busy, two-career and single-parent families, an involved grandparent goes a long way to filling a void for children. In extreme situations, the courts have found it's often a grandparent who can reach a troubled teen when no one else can.

I remember seeing a T-shirt available in both children's and adult sizes: "When the going gets tough, I go to Grandma's." Ask many adults -- men and women -- to recall a couple of fond memories from childhood, and most often one of the memories will involve a grandparent. It's a very special relationship for people, one that can give them strength and comfort far into adulthood. Said one woman in her forties, "Gram has always been a strong, stable force in my life. She's my compass. There's north, south, east, west, and Gram."

It's About Choice

It's true that the quality of a particular grandparent/grandchild relationship depends on the interest level, goodwill, and maturity of the grandparents (and the parents) involved. You can have "bad" grandparents just as easily as you can have "bad" parents. But the grandparent role itself is worthy of validation and societal support. It has tremendous value for all generations.

The special kind of love you get from a grandparent is a love you can't get anywhere else. It's an important kind of love -- in fact, a very important kind of love. Parents have to worry about who children will become in the future; their role is to be providers and disciplinarians. Grandparents can just enjoy children for who they are in the moment. The love of a grandparent is often freer, more unconditional, and far less psychologically complex than a parent's love. The love of a parent and the love of a grandparent are different, and both are necessary.

In my workshops, I encourage grandparents and parents to talk things through and set realistic expectations from the start -- ideally before a grandchild is even born. Being a grandparent today isn't what it was even twenty years ago. Many of today's grandparents work outside the home. They may have interests and goals that may not seem to fit with what a grandparent is "supposed" to be like. But people are who they are. Realistic expectations, clear role definitions, and family problem solving lay the foundation for a good grandparent/grandchild relationship.

After that, it's a matter of choice. We all have a choice to make. We choose the legacy we leave our children and grandchildren. In a world with so many problems, how do we raise good children? How do we raise children with hope? Sometimes hope is hard to find, particularly for high-risk children. Many children, and most of those at risk, have few or no adult role models. Even financially-advantaged children are often being raised by electronic babysitters. We can choose to let the media socialize and educate our children. We can choose to let immature peers influence them. Or we can choose to bring involved, caring adults -- especially grandparents -- into their lives as teachers, role models, and supporters.

Yes, But Can You Prove It?

Grandparenting hasn't been a "hot" research area, so until recently there wasn't a great deal of social science research on the role of grandparents with respect to children. There's actually more research on children of divorce! But from the research that is available, plus what I have seen, heard, and believe intuitively, grandparents definitely are VIPs.

Parents and grandparents can't take relationships across generations for granted or undervalue them. You have to believe they're important to make building them a priority in your family. It is through these relationships that we feel connected -- not only to each other, but to something bigger, to the flow of life, to the past and to the future. This connection leads to tangible benefits for all generations.

Benefits to Grandchildren

The benefits to children of a close connection with their grandparents can include:

• Children have a better sense of who they are and where they've come from. They have roots, a history, and a sense of continuity and perspective. They develop a sense of pride and responsibility in carrying forward the legacy that has been passed to them.
  
  
• Children develop higher self-esteem, better emotional and social skills (including an ability to withstand peer pressure), and can even have better grades in school. Children need adult influences in their lives (research indicates 4 to 6 involved, caring adults) to fully mature emotionally and socially.
  
  
• Children feel special. They're "spoiled" a little. Believe it or not, research shows this is a good thing. Children know that being with their grandparents is special. They don't expect the rest of the world to treat them the way their grandparents do, so it's really not "spoiling." A grandparent's love is the unconditional stuff of fairy tales. One girl explained it this way: "Grandparents are great because they don't always tell you what you're doing wrong. They just like what you do, any way you do it."
  
  
• Children can get undivided time and attention from grandparents that tired, busy parents often can't give them. A six-year-old girl told me, "I love my grandma because she's always happy for me to show her things other people don't bother with." Another girl said, "Every time I go shopping with Mom she goes fast and says hurry up, hurry up. But when I visit with Grandma and go shopping, she always has plenty of time and lets me look at whatever I want to."
  
  
• Children come to better understand their parents as people, and in turn themselves. Grandparents can be depended on to give kids the "real scoop." One girl told me, "My grandma is the one person who tells me things about my parents they would rather I didn't know, like when Dad was little and cut the tops off all her flowers in the garden."
  
  
• Children have someone to talk with and confide in. While children may want to be different from their parents, they often don't mind being like their grandparents. This gives grandparents a lot of power and ability to influence a troubled or confused child. One girl told me, "Granny fills the gap Mommy and Daddy leave out." A teenager told me that she can tell her grandmother things she would "never, ever" tell her mother. "My grandmother understands me," she said.
  
  
• Through sharing in a grandparent's interests, skills, and hobbies, children are introduced to new activities and ideas. Grandparents can be very patient, effective teachers. Knowledge, skills, and attitudes children pick up from grandparents tend to stick with them through life more than those picked up from other sources.
  
  
• Children learn firsthand about older people and aren't as susceptible to stereotypes. In one study, 62% of the children said they learned about older people from their grandparents. The grandparent/grandchild relationship is a great place to start building positive attitudes toward aging and older people. There was a boy whose attitude about his grandmother was right on: "My Grandma may look old on the outside, but she's just like me on the inside." Another study showed that gang kids who have a close relationship with a grandparent are less likely to victimize an elderly person. They have more respect for older people.

Benefits to Grandparents

The benefits to grandparents of a close connection with their grandchildren can include:

• Many grandparents say they feel a "joyful freedom" in their role. They don't feel the pressure they felt as a parent. There's a saying that a mother truly becomes a grandmother the day she stops noticing all the terrible things her children do because she's so enchanted with all the wonderful things her grandchildren do. As a grandparent, you get all the benefits and joys of parenthood without many of the drawbacks.
  
  
• Many people see grandparenthood as a "second chance." People often feel they weren't able to spend as much time with their children when they were young as they would have liked, or they made some mistakes they've learned from. Grandchildren are a fresh start.
  
  
• Active grandparents can live longer, healthier lives, with less memory loss and illness. There are a large number of studies showing that people who are lonely and isolated have three to ten times the rate of premature death from disease compared to those who have a sense of connection. Recent brain research indicates that as we get older, enriched and fulfilling environments may result in less neuron loss and the growth of new synapses. Summed up one 68-year-old grandmother, "The mess, the noise, the clutter. It's wonderful to be grandparents! We don't have time to be old, or complain, or be sick."
  
  
• Active, involved grandparents consistently report much less depression and higher degrees of life satisfaction. They tend to be happier with their present life and more hopeful for the future.
  
  
• Our society doesn't tend to value older people. Getting old is considered "bad" (though hopefully that's changing). In each other, grandparents and grandchildren can find validation and respect.
  
  
• Grandparents and grandchildren fulfill the role of student and teacher for each other, and it's not always the older person who does the teaching. Children like to feel needed, and they can teach their grandparents lots of things -- like how to find some pretty cool stuff on the Internet! Grandchildren also help grandparents see the world anew again, through a child's eyes.
  
  
• Grandparents have an opportunity to leave a powerful legacy, to make a difference, to send a message into the future through their grandchildren. The relationship can fulfill our need for immortality.

Benefits to Parents

The benefits to parents when the "grand generation" is a part of their lives and their children's lives can also be significant.

Today's parents are often stressed and overwhelmed. A loving, supportive grandparent can give them someone to talk with -- someone who's "been there" but now, with the benefit of hindsight, can help put issues into perspective. It's also comforting for parents to know that there are other adults who love their children and are looking out for them (again, remember the research indicating that children need 4 to 6 involved, caring adults in their lives to fully develop emotionally and socially). Grandparents take some of the pressure off parents. Finally, there is the tangible support of reasonable physical or financial help when it's needed. Grandparents can be a safety net in the highwire act we call the modern family.

Many people say their relationship with their parents improves when children enter the picture. For example, an overly strict parent suddenly becomes a "softie" as a grandparent. Adult children see their parents in a new light, and this can help heal relationships.

Bottom line: most parents WANT grandparents to be involved -- not in a judgmental, meddling way, but in a loving, supportive way.